Stepping In To God’s Calling

I’ve been working toward this for many years, but especially this year. And just in the last week or two I’ve really been ramping it up—stepping up and stepping in to the role that God has been calling me toward.

As a small child I was naturally spirit led in my thoughts, words, and actions. As a teenager, and especially as a young adult, I often felt a tug toward the lifestyle of leadership. I felt like I was destined to lead a community of people in some way, but the thought of “stepping into ministry” completely freaked me out! I was not about it!

I felt God’s calling, but I lived in denial about it.

It was selfish of me, and a bit embarrassing for me to admit now, but I just didn’t want the life that I felt God was leading me toward. At the time, I was so concerned with living the life I wanted to live—the life I saw others living on Instagram—and I didn’t leave any space for God’s plan. I was too busy making my own. I thought that “ministry” looked a certain way, and meant living a certain lifestyle—one I did not have any interest in.

Recently, I had an experience that changed everything for me! A God-sized encounter so incredible, that I set aside every desire and ambition of my own, and decided to walk, hand in hand with the Lord, into the life He had intended for me all along. Then, shortly afterward, I had a second encounter.

“This” He said.

I felt it so strong in my spirit, there was no denying it. Instantly, I knew what He was referring to: Community, Fellowship, Mentoring, Teaching, Shepherding, Nurturing, Leading.

Since then, whether consciously or subconsciously, I’ve been prioritizing the effort it takes to foster and nurture Godly relationships. At home, at church, in my personal life, and now online.

I’ve been working intentionally, and quietly, to build a platform. For months I’ve been writing, creating, erasing, and starting over again and again and again. Three steps forward, two steps back. Each time looking at the progress I’ve made and deeming it “not good enough to go live”.

Self Sabotage? Maybe.

Fear, Doubt, and Insecurity? Absolutely.

Every time I’d have an idea, I’d make a plan, start building, then I’d get stuck.

This weekend I finally published a short “hello world” post. One that would soon become the “soft open” to finally doing this thing that I KNOW God is calling me toward.

Then the worst thing happened. This tragedy. This horrible, awful news.

I sat in it. I experienced this indescribeable pain for the first time in my life. I didn’t know, and still don’t really know, how to navigate this—internally, or publicly.

I shared my heart online, and the response was overwhelming. My words affected people. Positive feedback, condolences, words of affirmation, encouragement and even gratitude flowed to my inbox.

I’ve received confirmation and encouragement from so many. A dear friend shared her heart with me, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord was speaking right through her. I’m grateful for those words.

In those moments, I received inspiration and permission to write, to express, to share my experiences with the world.

There’s honesty, vulnerability, and authenticity that comes with sharing your heart online, and its these exact attributes that becomes the foundation for community.

There’s also a need for privacy and intimacy. And to be honest, this is where I hesitate because I don’t wanna make a show of any of this. There’s space to be real, and doing so creates space to hold certain pieces closer to the heart. Finding that balance will take time.

Another thought that I’m meditating on simultaneously—a similar but different train of thought—is the shortness of time.

Life is so short, and never promised. God is in control. God understands His timing way better than we do, and life looks so different through our eyes.

We never know what tomorrow will bring, and we are never promised that we will have the opportunity to continue our work beyond today. So, I don’t want to put off my obedience any longer.

It would honor my mom, and more importantly it would honor the Lord, for me to continue to press into this path day by day. Not for the sake of “making a show” of anything or asking for attention from others, but for the sake of obedience. For the sake of bringing hope and peace to into the world. To share my unique perspective and whatever God puts on my heart.

The members of our immediate family are not the only ones grieving. We’re not the only ones who have lost someone so close and so important. Our entire church family, all of her friends, and all of those who her life made an impact on, we are experiencing the pain of this loss together.

And many have lost even more. There are others who have lost their own spouses, parents, siblings, and friends. And this experience of loss seems to compound with each loved ones passing. There is a bit of peace found in the fact that we are not alone in this. And all the more reason to step into this calling now.

Having the opportunity to lift others up, even while we ourselves are grieving, can help us all through the process.

My hope for this blog is to share my experiences, thoughts, ideas, and musings with the world, and that by doing so someone will receive a word of encouragement or a glimmer of hope for their own lives.

My prayer is that this outlet will continue to be spirit led and God used. That the lives that of those who are touched through my words will see the love of God and receive the invitation to lean in. And that as we draw near to Him, we will continue to learn and grow in our faith, as individuals, and as a community.